009 Can't Stomach Surprise
On seeing but not looking.
Dear Ali,
There's a song in my ear right now and it's in the shape of who I am. You could imagine my surprise, hearing it for the first time, my own voice whispering each lyric right on cue—by heart as they say. But I wasn't surprised at all, Ali. And it doesn't have any words now that I think of it, the song. Except every single one of mine.
The world is literally on fire. It has been. And this thing keeps happening whenever I think back to times before—before the harassment, the lawsuit, before I wrote, before my best friend, before that boy tried to ask me to the prom, before the cancer, before the abuse—that first day in the park with them, before. Before the fires. Every time I think about before all I can think is that I knew then too. I knew but I didn't look, and for that I will not stomach surprise. I will not cry tears of injustice, anymore. I gave this life my blessing. I will not stomach surprise.
Didn't we know this would happen this week, now that you think of it? Wasn't something pulling on our calendars? There's no virgin world, not even before, where we could fathom doing anything else today. And maybe we'll find cruel safety in grief like ankle weights at the bottom of a pool, sheltered from the flames, lungs burning. Some of us will succumb to fear, and some of us will not, sure we'll hold our breath, but nobody will stomach surprise. Everything that happens has begun to feel incredibly familiar. Is this just me Ali? Have I gone mad?
Of course it's like this with people too, that's the easiest to spot. Somebody you've known forever, or lifetimes at least, comes into your world and you put on this silly little play together. You say hello and how do you do. Gladly for that dear heart! Your old friend. It's such fun really, the song and dance, and truly a chapter not to be discounted but one day, just some regular old day, you break the fourth wall—you look them in the eye and say "don't ever think I didn't recognize you from before" to which they calmly respond "I have loved you for a really fucking long time" except you're in some waiting room or the grocery store, and nobody actually spoke at all.
I hope you have solace in whichever moment you sit. I hope you fucking love and cherish it and that's not a joke. And I'm sorry for all the swearing.
Love,
Ireland
"Everything that happens has begun to feel incredibly familiar. Is this just me Ali? Have I gone mad?"
This line made the air escape my lungs. This entry, with the song playing behind it.. it was the kind of art that I needed to experience today. Thank you.